“Could I have everyone’s attention, please?”
“Hey! Listen up, everyone.”
“People! Do I have to hit you over the head?”
Okay, that’s going too far. I certainly hope you don’t make such threats if you’re having difficulties engaging with people.
But have you noticed how much of our language and our culture defines success and failure in terms of “extreme” language? I don’t mean extreme as in vulgarity, more like extreme in tone; stuff like “It’s a jungle out there”, or “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
We all use “extreme” descriptions in our language to both attract attention to ourselves and to impress upon others the importance of our message. We do this to succeed in making a point, a contact, a sale…
It’s only natural. But how far should you go? And is this trip even necessary?
I bring this up because I think some of us take “extreme” too far, if that makes sense. What I mean is, in my business I often see companies confusing assertion (a declaration, according to Webster’s Dictionary) with aggression (hostility, again Webster). https://www.qualitylogoproducts.com/blog/aggressive-sales-tactics/
Seems clear enough, right? Why then, if it’s “hostile”, do some companies seem to outright encourage aggression and sometimes even use the word in their sales-training as a good thing?
I’m sure you’ve been cornered once or twice by some high-pressure sales person, perhaps in the (not-to-name names) phone package or internet services biz. Imagine, someone has actually trained this person to use this overbearing tone with you! Again I ask, is it necessary?
Here’s my theory: sales requires energy. Now, depending on your situation, there can be a legitimate reason for sometimes going over-the-top, amping up on the energy. You could also make the argument that it’s a cultural thing. I’ve been to trade shows all over the world and I like to think I’ve got a pretty good understanding of what’s acceptable in one place, simply won’t fly in another place.
Sounds complicated? Surely, with my experience, I must have a sure-fire solution that works-every-time, one that guarantees you won’t fall flat on your face?
Well. I don’t. BUT…I’m not about to leave it at, “It all depends”. No way. Rather, I think I have a fun solution for you that dances around the whole idea of assertion vs. aggression.
The keyword there is dance. I think of the word dance and I think of music, of lightness, connection, communication, and yes, engagement. If you think of engagement as a mental dance, maybe even a mental jazz concert (trading improvisational riffs with the customer), suddenly it’s fun! And, you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes, figuratively or otherwise!
A dance is usually a natural, positive expression of joy, energy, and a desire to connect. Engagement is my business, my dance, and if I succeed it’s because I inevitably present a certain extra energy (assertiveness), a commitment, a certain movement to my inner music, one that is a hyper-real version of the self I show to family and friends. I stress real there so you don’t think that by using the word “dance” I’m suddenly encouraging something “staged”, as in having a false front.
I’m not. I’m Canadian, and, aside from my being fully the polite stereotype, I like to think I’m also intelligent and energetic and kind and helpful. (Even better, I am TOLD that I’m intelligent and energetic and kind and helpful! Oh and polite. Sorry, I think I already mentioned polite.)
So, on the job, I am what I am, only more so. The size and challenge of addressing a trade show demands that I assert myself; to do the dance of engagement, but always keeping the steps as natural as I can. (Hey! Maybe I can be assertive, not aggressive, after all!)
And remember that being a great dance partner means being in tune with the person you’re dancing with. Watch them, feel their energy, and feed off of those cues to ensure the dance reaches its natural crescendo.
I urge you, for meaningful interactions in the trade show booth, everyday business life, or at social events, if ever you’re confused about whether you’re being assertive or aggressive, simply dance on the side of safety, and you will engage.